Real Estate/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! And now here's the man who said, "no man's an island if he has a boat." your hero, my uncle, red green! Huh? Huh? Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Well, big, big news this week. I don't know if you heard this, harold, but moose thompson is selling his house. Oh, moose thompson's moving? Well, yeah, that's usually one of the conditions when you sell your house, harold. Yeah, moose says he needs more space, apparently. Well, how come? He's not married. He doesn't have kids. What does he need more space for? I don't know. Maybe he's going up another pants size. You know, moose better be careful, 'cause, you know, real-estate transactions can be very complicated. Nothing against moose, you know. It's just that he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, you know. He should get himself a really good real-estate agent. Well, he has hired the best agent in the possum lake area. Wa-a-a! Who? Oh, yikes. [ horns honking ] [ jazz music plays ] captioning made possible by acorn media [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ water splashes ] what you're looking at here is a bunch of segments from this particular show, the main message being "for gosh sakes, don't even think about changing the channel." I'll tell you something -- if you're gonna try and make sense out of this program, you got to give it your undivided attention. Well, have you got an ad in the local paper? Oh, yeah, I'm way ahead of you, harold. Lookit. Circled it right there. Look at that. "house for sale. Call red green." that's it? Yeah. Little vague, isn't it? Might want to be a little more descriptive. Maybe describe what it looks like or something? Well, I didn't want to scare people off. Besides, another line costs another dollar. How much are you charging moose for this pseudo-semi-professional service of yours? Just the standard rate, harold -- 6% commission thing. It's the easiest money you could ever make. Now, think about this, okay? So, I got to list the house, find a buyer, sell the whole thing, wrap it all up in about an hour, okay? So, it may say it's a $100,000 home, so you make 6 grand, okay? So, you work an 8-hour day, that's almost $50,000. That's $250,000 a week. That's a million dollars a month. That's 12 million bucks a year you're looking at there. Huh? Yeah, right. You're gonna work an 8-hour day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, later on in the show, we got the "adventure with bill" coming up, and what are we doing here, harold? Harold? Ah, it's ping-pong. Yeah. You looking for harold? He's -- there he is. All right, so, the boys set up the ping-pong table. Harold's getting her all set up there -- all level and everything. Bill's got the net. Keeps a net in his pants. What does that tell you? Catching any? [ laughs ] got to throw the small ones back there, bill. Don't forget. And...That's a bit of a net. That's more of a cod net, I think. And -- ooh, ooh, ooh. He got one. [ laughs ] they biting? They biting? [ laughs ] all right, he's got a heck of a big -- that may be... That may be a little too much a net, you know, as frankie avalon used to say. What's going on? What are you doing here? Do you have a plan? He has a plan, harold? Oh, that's very relaxing. What are we doing? What are we doing, bill? What do you got, another ping-pong table? How many ping-pong tables did you bring? Oh, I see. Rather than shorten the net, they're gonna widen the table. That's the kind of thinking that got them where they are -- out behind the lodge. All right, start her up, boys. Boy, the competition -- oh, boy, harold's got the good stuff today, huh? There's a point. Take a point. There you go. There you go. 1-0. Okay, bill. I'd say you need a little more defense, bill. More defense. There you go. That's it. That's it. And one more. There we are. Stay tuned. ♪ oh, my favorite tool is the adjustable wrench ♪ ♪ it's always close at hand ♪ ♪ mind you, screwdrivers and chisels are okay, too ♪ ♪ but they hurt a lot more when you sit on 'em ♪ [ squeaking ] okay, this is the big one! For our grand prize, which is an assorted bag of rad hoses from julio's steam room and engine flush, uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Dougie franklin to say this word -- love. [ chuckles ] and go! All right, dougie, when a man meets a woman and that starts an attraction which develops into an affection, and then comes... Antibiotics. I'm sorry, red. Did you say, "infection"? No, no, no, no, no. Affection. Okay, okay. Okay, start over. All right, okay. Uh, when a man and woman feel strongly about each other, they fall in... Bed. No, no, no. Before that. Uh, the backseat? No, no, I'm -- I'm talking about the feeling. Oh, touching. Uh, groping. No. Getting smacked on the hand. No, no, no. I'm talking about the emotional feeling. This is the one person for you. Oh, that's desperation. No, no, no, no. Okay, okay, okay. A man and woman get married and have kids. They are deeply in... Debt. No, no. No, no. When a man and woman stay together, it's because they're in... A rut. Dougie, I can't believe you can't guess this word. Well, red, no woman has ever made me say it, and even though you're a mighty good-looking man, neither will you. This week on "handyman corner," we're gonna combine two things that all men love -- gasoline engines and hitting things. We're gonna build our very own batting cage, eh? Got to love a batting cage. All the fun of baseball with none of that darn running around. What do we need? Well, first thing we need is something to throw the balls at us, so I'm thinking...Lawn mower. I'll tell you, I've seen some rocks come out of this baby that any real man would love to take right up into the upper deck. So, all I got to do now is just modify this puppy to chuck baseballs. All right, now, we want to dull the blades down on this unit because we are building a batting cage, not a cuisinart. You could file the edge of them there, or you could grind them down. I prefer just to run over a bunch of tire irons. [ clattering ] whoa! That sounded good. Oh, by golly, yeah. Oh, that's perfect. That looks good. Wait a minute. That's not my lawn mower. Well, it is now, I guess. All right, now, you want to have the baseballs come out just this hole, you know, so what you got to do is you got to seal the whole bottom of the lawn mower, and I suggest what you do is grab that chunk of kitchen counter that was left over when you put the sink in. Also, this is a great opportunity to point out to your wife how smart you were to hang on to it. Huh? [ chuckles ] now, something you got to be aware of -- the end of that blade is gonna be traveling at speeds in excess of 100 mile an hour, so be sure to really sock the duct tape to her. You know me -- safety "forced." now, as with most things in nature, you have an input and you have an output. So far on this unit, all I have is the output, a place for the balls to come out. What I need is an input. I need a hole on the other side there, a place for the balls to go in. Beauty. Here's a little extra added feature here -- automatic ball return so you're not running around the house, grabbing balls out of soup bowls and eye sockets. I've added the sheet onto the grass catcher here, so when the ball goes in there, she just filters right down into the grass catcher, into the input in the lawn mower, and becomes my next pitch. All right, just start her up here. [ grunting ] [ engine turns over ] so, remember -- if women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Play ball! [ clattering ] all right, I think maybe I'll slow her down to "mulch." all right, here we go. Hey, hey, pitcher! Come on, pitcher! Put it in there! [ glass shatters ] oh, man. That's out of here! Stay tuned and relax. Whatever this is, we got a lot more of it. I want to talk to you guys about something all of us are looking for as we go down the highway of life -- a half-decent parking spot. I call it "the seven stages of parking." stage one -- you're a kid. All you have to park is your butt. Then you hit stage two -- you're a teenager. Now you're out parking with a girl who has a pretty good chance of being your future wife. Followed by stage three -- you're married with kids. Now you're parking at mcdonald's, the one with the play area. And we have stage four -- kids are grown and they're working, coincidentally, at mcdonald's. So, you've now gone out, got yourself a sports car, and you're caught parking with a girl who has no chance of being your future wife. Okay, this leads immediately to stage five. Now you're parking in the garage, where you're also living. Now comes stage six. You're old. No license, no car, no parking spot. Then we have stage seven. You're parked. I'm talking permanently. I mean, you got your own parking spot. It even has your name over it. So, the lesson here is -- life is short, all right? Grab your shifter, move it out of park, and throw it into gear! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Oh, there you are, harold. Did you get a picture of moose's house for me? I want to put it in tomorrow's paper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, sort of. You know, this is just the first roll. You know, it's got, like -- I was just testing the lens and the aperture, things like that, you know. It's what we photographers like to call a test roll. This is 24 pictures of your nose, harold. Yeah. Yeah. I guess the lens must be on the back on this model or something. It took me a while, but I got the right angle, you know, because you don't want to get all those, you know, like, the 45-gallon drums of axle grease and all those wooden pallets and the three fridges on his front porch, you know? No, those aren't real selling points, I don't think. And then I had to ask moose to take his underwear off the clothesline. That's underwear he's got on there? I thought he'd bought a sailboat. [ alarm blaring ] [ alarm chirps ] possum 911! State your card membership number, please. Timmy: 89, uh, 234. Oh, hey, timmy. Who the heck's that? Oh, it's my friend timmy. How did one of your nerd dorkball friends get to be a member of possum lodge? He paid all his dues. Oh, great. How you doing, timmy? How can we help you? Uh, emergency. I'm stuck in a nebula zone. My scepter charge is at 30%. The galaxy mongers are blocking all the teleports, and my crystal's on short life. Oh, cool! Wow! He's playing my favorite video game, "galamaxia." doesn't really sound like the kind of problem we have a lot of here at possum lodge, tim. Hey, timmy! Timmy tim tim! What level are you on? I'm on level 42 -- oh! He just fazed my nova force. Oh! Level 42?! Wa-a-a! How long you been playing? I started two days ago. I haven't stopped. You ever heard of girls, tim? Death to you on your hairy gorp-sucking scum rockets! He's talking about the game. Only one supercharger left, and I'll have all the pieces to the oracle! Oh, you're doing great. You don't need any help. Yes, I do. I've been playing for two days, and I don't know how to pause it. I have to go to the bathroom. [ laughs ] okay. All right. In order to pause it, all you got to do is just press del-- ohhh! Never mind. Too late. You're talking about too late for the game, right? Yeah, my... My neutral pack was at the danger level. My power canister couldn't take the pressure. You're talking about the game, right? It's "male call"! [ laughs ] that really hurts! Okay, our first letter goes as follows -- "dear red, my husband whistles all the time, on purpose. "he certainly enjoys it, but nobody else does. "I mean, I've even noticed birds laughing at him. "how can I get him to desist? "is there a polite way of saying, 'dear, stop whistling, "or I'll have to staple your lips to your eyebrows'? Signed, achy breaky ears." wow, this is a real oddball one, you know, 'cause whistling's usually a sign of happiness, harold. Yeah, but if -- you know, if he's making her unhappy, I don't know how he could be happy. I don't think you can make yourself happy if you're making someone else unhappy. Well, you manage to do it on a regular basis. Yeah, stop a guy from whistling. Well, I mean... Maybe change his diet, you know? Why don't you stuff his face full of crackers? That might slow him down a little. Remember uncle jack? Remember uncle jack? Remember uncle jack? His nose whistled. [ laughs ] how did he ever stop? Well, he started wearing one of those things on his nose that swimmers wear. Yeah, a bikini. You know, it worked, but it cost him his job at the post office. You know what? I'm thinking if you can't stop this guy from whistling, maybe you need to spend a little bit of time away from each other. You know, maybe send your husband on a holiday all by himself. [ laughs ] yeah, yeah. Whistle him off to whistler! [ laughs ] he could visit his mother -- whistler's mother! [ laughs ] whistler -- I said "whistler's mother," 'cause that's where he could go. Well... You know, I mean, ultimately, I think when you're dealing with a husband and a wife, you know, if you can't get him to go your way, maybe you got to, you know, change your attitude a little bit. Think about it this way -- as long as he's whistling, he's not smoking, he's not drinking, he's not eating, and you know where he is, huh? Hey, harold, hey? Maybe this lady's behavior is the problem, eh? Maybe she's giving him too much to whistle about, huh? [ both laugh ] not just whistling dixie there. [ laughs ] can you whistle that theme song to "andy of mayberry"? No, but I can whistle this orange off your forehead. Red: Meanwhile, back at the -- ooh! Oh, boy. You all right, harold? You all right? Oh, yeah. No, come on now. Suck it up. Suck it up. Suck it up. There you go. There you go. You're fine, you're fine, you're fine, you're fine. You're fine. You all right? Oh, boy. Well, anyway, they're playing ping-pong, these guys, and bill's -- oh, one of them crafty tricks, eh? Ooh, golly. Maybe a little too much grease on the hair there, harold, at all, do you think? There you go. That makes it harder. Hey, look at bill. He's racking up the points. And you might want to hit one of those at some point, harold. It could improve your sc-- oh, there we go. There we go. It's your own racquet, eh? It is now. Oh, we'll just -- it's handball. It's handball now. Look at this -- harold's winning, 20-19. Come on, harold. One more point. One more point, harold. Come on, suck it up, harold. Come on. Suck it up. Suck it up. Suck it up. Oh, I didn't mean -- I didn't mean literally. What's the matter, huh? Whose point is that? Is there a point yet? How does that work? You know, I think the ball has to actually touch the ground. That may take another week. [ choking ] uh, harold, are you all -- bill, you might want to get -- bill, you might want to just get over in that -- go that way, go that way, go that way. No, this way, this way, this way. No, no, go that way, go that way, go that way. All right, all right. That's good. That's good. No, no. It's not down there yet. No, no, it's still up in his throat somewhere, I think. Here we go. Now, do what you can. This is the -- oh! -- The heim-hann maneuver. Oh, my golly. Oh, is that ever disgusting to watch. My golly. There we go. Oh! Oh, my gosh. Oh. Hey, take it easy. That's our last ball. Come on, you guys. Oh, boy. That's got to get her. Oh, you all right there, harold? The ball come out yet? No? All right, one more. This is a good one. This is a good one. Okay, one more coat. You know, that ought to get her. Oh, boy. Boy. Yeah, yeah. Here, bill. You know what to try? Exactly. There we go! Oh, hey, that's harold's point! That's your game, harold! That's your game! Oh, man. Boy, he's a natural, isn't he? Add your own noun. Here's a puppet of me made from a viewer in new hampshire. I think harold had a hand in this. Yeah, okay. You are sure popular! Phone hasn't stopped ringing all afternoon. Moose thompson called. All right, when did he call? What did he want? All right, 10:30 -- "have you sold my house yet?" 10:55 -- "you sold my house yet?" 11:15 -- "any offers?" 11:20 -- "so, what goes?" 11:25 -- "sold my house yet?" 11:45 -- "do I still have a house or what, eh?" 11:57 -- all right, harold. I get the idea. Boy, moose thompson is turning into a pain in the neck. He's only had his house on the market one day, and he's already putting all kinds of pressure on me because he's bought himself a new place. Well, you better sell his place, then. Didn't you have an open house today? Well, I had the house open, but nobody would go in there, harold. I think an onshore breeze would have helped. Yeah. Buster hadfield was interested, but he was concerned there was urea-formaldehyde in the walls. I said, "no, no. What you see is daylight." you know what, then? You know what, then? You know what, then? Maybe you should, like, fix it up. Way ahead of you, harold. We got it all planned. Little paint, little wallpaper, little ceiling joists, little I-beam, little supporting wall, some electricity -- what we real-estate pros call "t.L.C." t.L.C. -- Torch it, level it, cart it away. Welcome to the expert portion of the show, where we explore those three little words that men often find so difficult to say -- all: I don't know! So true. [ laughs ] okay, joining my uncle red on the expert portion of the show this week, of course, is my uncle red, natch, and, of course, his best friend, dalton humphrey! Our viewer asks -- our viewer asks, "dear experts, "sometimes when my husband goes out, "I'll ask him to pick something up for me that I need. He always forgets. Why is that?" well, maybe he's got one of those extremely reliable and accurate one-item memories. And you've made the mistake of giving him item number two. Or, you know, it could be that the, uh, item in question is of a highly embarrassing nature. Like what? What's an embarrassing nature? Well, see, something that's of a... So highly personal in nature that it's, uh... Best left unspoken. Man, you got me curious now, dalton. Well, all right, red. Okay. All right. I'm talking about... A recipe magazine or a -- or a comb. A comb is embarrassing? Well -- how do you comb yourself, dalton? Look, red, maybe it's not embarrassing on the surface, okay, but if that's all you're buying, then people start to look at you funny. You know, they think maybe you've been sent to the store for something real personal and you chickened out and you bought yourself a recipe magazine or a comb! You know? So, you're standing there in the checkout line, boy. Sweat's just pouring down your face, 'cause you know that everybody in the store is just smirking and trying to imagine what personal thing you got sent out for that you didn't have the guts to buy! You mean like pantyhose? Oh! For heaven's sakes, harold! Have you no shame?! Yeah, okay, dalton. But what if you only went for, like, a quart of milk or something? Oh, sure, sure. You know, on your way to the cooler, you have to go past that rack full of filthy magazines! Yeah, that's true. I would imagine. But what if you're just gonna mail a letter or something like that? If you're just gonna mail a letter or something like that? A letter? You know the kind of sleazy reputation a letter has, especially if that letter happens to be of particularly european, dare I say, french persuasion. Man, you are really stepping off the dock on this one. Whoo-hoo! Boy, oh, boy. Mr. Humphrey, with an attitude like that, your wife can't send you to the store for a single item. Bingo. [ laughter ] well, I tell you, there is no figuring some people. So, the renovation of moose thompson's house go per usual? It was a disaster, harold. That's a yes. Wa-a-a! I told moose, "let's just take out the one wall, give it kind of an open-concept look." but when we did that, they all come down. I guess they must have been connected. They sure didn't look it. Oh. So, like, now moose thompson has no home at all? No, not really, harold. It's more of a basement with a roof on it. You know, it'll never sell now. Oh, really, huh? Sold within the hour, harold! How about that? Apparently, the lot was worth more without moose's house on it. Saves the new owner having to rent a bulldozer. So, is that a big, fat commission check I see there in your shirt? No. Nothing. Junior singleton bought the place, so it was a no-cash deal. Gave him half a school bus as a down payment, and he pays him a k-car a month for five years. So my commission was a broken snowmobile and a goat. Then the goat ate the snowmobile and dropped dead. [ laughs ] so -- so, your commission's out of commission. [ laughs ] because, you know... [ screeching ] meeting time, uncle red. Well, you go, harold. Go now. [ screeching continues ] if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and I think maybe I'm gonna get out of the real-estate business. Anybody who looks like I do and thinks like I do is not gonna get many offers. But if you give me one, I think we can close that deal tonight. To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. Captioning made possible by acorn media [ screeching ] harold: All right. Stand up, stand up. [ laughs ] I didn't say, "simon says." all: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Red: Sit down, guys. Harold? Oh, yeah, okay. The local pizzeria called. They said they will no longer honor the 30-minutes-or-free if you're gonna be phoning from mobile homes. To join possum lodge or to get yourself some possum lodge merchandise, call 1-800-ypossum. Or if you're a techno geek, check out harold's home page on the internet.